Added: Eben Bucklin - Date: 11.12.2021 20:18 - Views: 23466 - Clicks: 4837
A lot of contradictory science has resulted in a lot of contradictory books and articles about men. You could spend a lot of time researching the subject. I believe what you are about to read will take you a long way in understanding men. But first, a warning. You are married to one particular man, and not everything I write will apply to him. Every man has a lifetime of different Man seeking understanding woman that has made him what he is today — a unique individual. You have to decide: for anything you read, does he fit that description? It may be spot-on, close to, similar to, or absolutely nothing like him.
I can only talk here about the general traits and tendencies of average American men, though they vary greatly in every conceivable way. You will also read generalizations about yourself. And as you know, there are all kinds of women out there, too. Childhood has a great impact on how we are as adults. This is a key point in understanding men as well as women. We have all learned patterns of behavior that make us acceptable males and females. This goes beyond just sex roles. It begins at birth with the names we are given and the clothes we are put into.
Parents describe their babies differently, according to sex. For example, newborns are more likely to be described by their parents as delicate if they are girls and firmer if they are boys, even when having the same length, weight, heart rate, reflex, etc. And parents treat their babies differently, too. Fathers rate baby girls as cuddlier, and mothers rate their baby sons as cuddlier. While still in the hospital, mothers breastfeed their newborn sons more, but talk more to their daughters. Status is characterized by independence, difference, hierarchy, competition, impersonal information, power, one-upmanship.
Connection is characterized by intimacy, community, solidarity, closeness, personal information, consultation, consensus, rapport, friendship, sameness, interdependence. Both sexes want both status and connection, and individually we want them in varying degrees. But we go about getting them in different ways. Look at how children play. They often just sit and talk, and are more concerned with being liked Man seeking understanding woman connected. Status is achieved very subtly and is not the primary focus of their play.
It tends to be more organized, with leaders and rules, winners and losers. They jockey for status by giving and resisting orders, and telling stories or jokes. They engage in one-upmanship with boasting. Connection is achieved through acceptance of the friendship hierarchy that forms. Having been raised with the different motivations of connection and status, the sexes can interpret the same event or situation differently. Going into marriage we feel happy at the merging of our lives without realizing that it is a collision of two different worlds.
Most couples, lacking this realization, judge each other by their own gendered standards. This explains why so many marriages are troubled and the divorce rate so high. So, understanding men, and your husband in particular, is your best tool for bringing your worlds closer together and fixing your marriage.
That is to say, they seek help when it would be what other males would do. While you may think that it is silly of men to behave that way, remember that women behave in similar ways. For example, many women think it is unfeminine to talk about their accomplishments. They look upon it as boasting, seeking status, engaging in one-upmanship. For both sexes it comes down to this: we regulate our behavior based on what we have learned and believe is appropriate for our genders.
Researchers Michael Addis and James Mahalik suggest that five basic social-psychological processes are at work in men in certain help-seeking situations:. Understanding men in the context of their getting help for marital problems means knowing that men have more to overcome initially than women do. Women have learned from very young ages that it is okay for them to talk about problems and get advice from others.
For women, conversation is more about personal information that creates interaction, connection, and involvement. It has a feeling akin to private speaking, even when in a public speaking situation. At work, at a party, at bowling or a ball game talk is more impersonal, so men will talk more. But in the privacy of the home, talk is more personal and so men naturally talk less. Wives tend to get frustrated trying to get their husbands to talk. That is because lots of men simply judge their Man seeking understanding woman thoughts as not having the importance or ificance to justify talking about them, as not worth verbalizing.
But without conversation, she feels a lack of connection, a loss of intimacy, or a loss of his interest in her. Her remedy is to talk. What you may not realize that talking about a problem, emotional or otherwise, seems to him like an invitation to offer advice. When anyone mentions a problem to a man, it is his natural inclination to think that person is looking for a solution.
And in offering a solution, he honestly believes he is being supportive. Remember that he is filtering everything you say through the lens of his upbringing, experiences and conversational style. Which is what you do, too. Here is another, and more specific, example. She feels this is another one of his attempts to control her. Many women will agree. But, is he trying to run her life? Through lifelong conditioning of speaking and listening in a certain manner to gain connection, many women do not feel that the way he talks sounds like he is trying to connect with her.
It does sound like control. Domination has roots in communication. But it also has roots elsewhere, and so will be dealt with separately. This example is not attempting to deal with that subject. In his mind, the man is only giving his wife information that will make the evening run smoother. If we leave bywe will Man seeking understanding woman there in time.
But the man is trying to make a connection with his wife, through the act of going to dinner with her and making sure the event goes smoothly. His wife simply does not understand his style of speaking, and he does not understand the impact of his style on her. He consistently talks this way because he has learned to do so from a young age.
For the most part, any normal style of talking is neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. A style is just a style. Understanding men gets easier, life gets better, and your marriage gets happier when you recognize that each of you has learned a different speaking and listening style, one that is different from the other. Talk is full of unspoken messages.
This is true for both men and women. Tone of voice, inflection, gestures, the arrangement of words, implications, the occasion and the setting of the conversation, who is talking to whom, what is uppermost in your mind win, compromise, authority, soothing the other, etc.
Different experts focus on various aspects and use different names, such as metamessages and hidden messages. I lump them together and refer to them as unspoken messages because they are all so closely related. It is easy for you and for your husband to miss unspoken messages that each of you intentionally send. Because you and your husband talk differently. Each of you thinks yours is the right way to get your message across. At the same time, you each have an expectation that the other, wanting to get the same message across, would say it the same way.
Hurt feelings ensue. Women are more likely to perceive hidden meanings because they have been attuned to reading meanings their entire lives.Man seeking understanding woman
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