Added: Channing Mcgonagle - Date: 20.07.2021 06:26 - Views: 17865 - Clicks: 591
People often tell me that they have problems maintaining calm and respectful communication with their partner even though they intended to.
Some of these couples need the presence of an experienced couples therapist to be able to maintain calm and repair disruptions. This article offers a communication model that outlines how to practice maintaining communication regarding how you feel in an honest and open way while keeping your calm.
This is not about feeling good or even comfortable. This is about practicing staying calm even though you feel hurt and angry. It means that there is something you need to take care of. If you manage to find solutions together, you will feel closer, safer, and understood on a deeper level. Imagine explaining to your partner that you are hurt and angry in a calm way. Also, imagine that your partner is able to hear you and respond in a loving way. Build from the following, if you like:. Find a Therapist Advanced Search Expressing feelings of frustration, anger, fearand sadness is a lot harder and takes some consideration.
If you are able to stay calm and collected while you talk about your feelings, your chances of staying on track are higher. If you avoid blaming your partner and instead talk about what you feel, think, and what is important to you and why, it is more likely that your partner will respond positively. Try to make your statements more about yourself than about your partner. This is probably one of the hardest things to do. Self-expression is about defining yourself and what is most important to you, which is not easy when you are feeling upset and hurt.
It is natural in a relationship to feel at times that the other person is to blame. However, if you consider the matter, you will become aware that you have a responsibility for your own responses and reactions, and how you function as a partner has an influence on the relationship.
Your feelings are your own, and to blame others for them is not conductive for your individual or relationship growth. Before you start expressing feelings of anger and hurt, I recommend that you think about what you are going to say and how you are going to say it. Consider the following:. Self-expression is a skill which takes practice to master. Ask for professional help if you need to. All rights reserved. The preceding article was solely written by the author named above.
Any views and opinions expressed are not necessarily shared by GoodTherapy. Questions or concerns about the preceding article can be directed to the author or posted as a comment below. Please fill out all required fields to submit your message. This is a very difficult task when both partners are not willing to reciprocate respect toward one another. I will give you an example. I am not bragging but I think that most others would find that I have a fairly calm demeanor, except my wife that is. When something comes up and I try to broach the subject with her she immediately goes on the defnsive which then brings me to lose my cool.
This is not my usual MO but she brings out the very worst in me, I hate to say, when it comes to talking things through. What starts out as an honest effort on my part really turns into quite the challenge for both of us. I fear that this is going to lead to larger problems somewhere down the road, but again, getting her to talk about it without turning into WWIII seems next to impossible.
Hi Irene this is a great list of caring, grounded questions for couples to ask each other, nice work, Warmly, Kathy. Many times in the heat of the moment it is very seductive to focus only on what you think is right. This is a great time to learn about yourself and your partner. Try to see the moment from their perspective, and I think that a respectful partner will take this chance to learn something about someone in their life who is obviously quite important.
If you make it all about you all the time, then there is nothing to learn from that other than just how narcissistic you could be. The thoughts i have and the way i react are completely different when i am angry compared to when i am not. You have to remember that there are always going to be those people who have to be right, and there is no way that you are going to get any respect from them as long as you are being disagreeable. And the only way that they like you is for you to give in to what they think, and not allow you to have any thoughts of your own.
If you are with someone who demeans you like this, then I suggest turning around and going the other way. This is not someone who is going to be healthy for you to be involved with. I used to keep quiet whenever my husband start to scream etc. After 10 years, or perhaps as earlyas in my 7th year, I started to yell back to him. He is a softspoken guy but his abusive language is intolerable no more. It is frustrating but I cannot contain my frustration, the hurt feeling he has caused from his abusive words to me.
So… I decided to communicate less with everyone in the house, rather have longer working hours and trying to figure out whether to stay in this marriage, and looking for a reason to hold on. I have learned that talking about your feelings are good for you.
Listening to soft music when I get upset. Going for walks on nice days and Wanting to express my thoughts with a woman to the birds sing. I have enjoyed this site very helpful. Communicating less to avoid conflict is often what happens after years of hostility and hurt feelings. Neither hostility nor avoidance is the right answer. Assertive expression of thoughts and feeling is always more constructive. However, the benefits of practicing staying calm when you are upset are huge for you personally and in your important relationships; with your partner, parents, children, etc.
Thank you for reading and commenting! We have been married over 40 years. There was no physical or verbal abuse even though early on I drank almost every night. There was no communication, she tried. Then later on, I tried to open communication.
She had become exhausted trying earlier so there was still no real communication. Then, for a period over 5 years, I had a series of affairs, hurting not only her but the women who were involved. This stopped ten years ago, I DO truly love my wife. She has control over the finances. This is where the problem comes in. I take care of the maintenance and also the phone calls when there is a dispute. We talk AND listen. She has no problem letting me know if something is bothering her.
We are Ok financially with assets well into the 6 figures, no house or car notes. Today I wanted to tell her that this is OUR retirement. I almost said that prisoners are released from prison after 10 years for non-violent crimes, when will I be treated as an equal? How do I approach this? By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy.
Get Listed. Build from the following, if you like: What do you love about your partner? What do you love about the relationship? What is most important to you? Give a concrete example of what makes you feel loved.
Give a concrete example of what you look forward to. Find a Therapist Advanced Search. Invalid Address. Please confirm that you are human. Leave a Comment By commenting you acknowledge acceptance of GoodTherapy. Leave this field empty. Search Our Blog. Notice to users GoodTherapy is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, medical treatment, or therapy. Always seek the advice of your physician or qualified mental health provider with any questions you may have regarding any mental health symptom or medical condition.
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